


Operation: Find Out Hill’s Sexuality

by justanexercise



Category: Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-28
Updated: 2014-12-03
Packaged: 2018-02-27 06:18:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2682272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanexercise/pseuds/justanexercise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha has a crush, the Avengers ‘help’ her find out if it’s requited. AKA: The 5 times the Avengers try to help Natasha and the 1 time she didn’t need it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

 

“You have a crush on who?!”

Natasha spins around and clamps her hand on Darcy’s mouth, tugging her backwards and shoving Darcy into a chair. She crosses her arms and levels a stare at Darcy’s slack jawed expression.

“On Maria Hill,” Jane pipes up from the corner of the lab. Her eyes are still glued to the charts on her tablet.

“You have a crush on Maria Hill?!” Darcy shouts again.

Tony pokes his head in from the adjoining lab, the welding goggles hanging off his neck. “Who has a crush on Ice Queen Hill?”

Natasha grits her teeth and counts to ten in her head. It would not be good for team morale if she went ahead and stuffed paper down all their throats.

“Natasha does!” Darcy points to her.

“Ohhhh?” Tony smirks and flounces into the lab. “Our resident spy has a crush? I didn’t think that was possible, robots can’t feel emotion. Isn’t that right JARVIS?”

“Indeed Sir,” JARVIS answers with sarcasm, “But Agent Romanoff is not a robot and she does have the capacity to strangle you that I do not have.”

“Noted JARVIS,” Tony says. “Now back to your crush, really Romanoff? Huh. You didn’t tap that back at SHIELD?”

Natasha sighs at all three expectant looks at her. “No I didn’t.”

“Why not?” Jane asks, putting down her work.

“Oh!” Tony puts his hand in the air like a student. “She shot you in the thigh when you asked her out!”

Darcy puts her hand up next, “she kicked you off the Helicarrier for flirting with her!”

“Where do you two get these ideas?”

Tony and Darcy both answer, “Clint.”

“Okay first off, Clint only got kicked out of the Helicarrier at maximum altitude because he was annoying her.”

Darcy’s eyes went wide and she squirmed in her seat. “Hold on, that’s actually true? How did he survive?”

“Maria threw a parachute down with him,” Natasha says with a ‘duh’ face. “And she shot him in the foot, not the thigh.”

“And you want to date her?” Tony asks.

Natasha doesn’t answer, only giving him a blank stare until he holds his hands up in capitulation.

“Does Maria even date?” Jane asks, the only sensible one in the room. “I don’t think I’ve heard of a significant other.”

“The bigger question is does Hill like women?” Tony jumps up on the table next to Darcy and kicks at Darcy’s chair.

“Yea does she?” Darcy bats away his legs.

Natasha blinks. “I don’t know.”

Tony pauses and a smile creeps up, the smile that says he has a brilliant idea that will only end up costing millions of dollars in damages. “We have to find out then won’t we?”

“We?” Natasha tilts her head.


	2. Tony Stark

“This is a terrible idea,” Natasha says, crossing her arms over her chest.

“No it’s not, I made it up so it’s genius.” Tony fiddles with the hologram projector and claps his hands together when the images come up on the screen. It’s Maria’s office at SI.

“Why am I going through with this?” Natasha mumbles to herself.

“Because you really want to know if Hill’s into the female body.”

“What was her name again?” Natasha asks, glaring at the screen.

“She’s going by Rebecca.”

“Her real name.”

“So you can kill her? No way Romanoff.”

Natasha picks at her cuticles, on anyone else it would be innocent but on Natasha, it’s a deadly posture. “Not kill, Stark.”

“Shh!” Tony waves his hand around and turns up the volume.

Rebecca’s smooth voice flows through the speakers. “Will that be all Ms. Hill?”

“That will be all Ms. Williams,” Maria says, swiping through her tablet.

“Coffee?”

“Yes, two sugar, one cream.”

Natasha tilts her head towards Tony, who’s frowning at the video. “How’s this helpful Stark? She’s just a good assistant.”

“What no, well yes she’s a good assistant probably, but she’s supposed to be excellent at seduction!”

Rebecca comes back into the room, both Tony and Natasha glance towards the screen again and Tony’s lips curl into a smile while Natasha scowls. Rebecca is doing the old tried and true method of bending down lower than necessary and putting something close to the victim.

Maria barely bats an eyelash at this though, instead continuing to read on the tablet. Rebecca clears her throat a bit, pushing the coffee closer to Maria on the desk.

“Thank you Ms. Williams,” Maria says, her hand reaching for her drink.

Rebecca slides her fingers across the back of Maria’s hand as she retracts from the cup. Maria doesn’t react.

Back with the schemers, Natasha rolls her eyes. “What is this? High school seduction 101? This is terrible Stark.”

“Hey, not all of us can have Spy Seduction 101.”

“Even for commoners she’s awful. Really, the bending down and cleavage plus hand caress? That’s too obvious and of course Maria isn’t going to go for it.”

“Or,” Tony stomps his foot, “maybe she just doesn’t like women!”

“Or maybe Maria’s too professional to fall into this stupid trap. And she knows you hired her.”

“Whatever Romanoff,” Tony kicks at the floor. “Give me a few days, this was just too last minute, I can –“

“No.”

“Come on!”

Natasha strolls out the room ignoring all of Tony’s promises and ideas. There’s got to be a smarter and easier way to figure this out.


	3. Clint Barton

Natasha’s lounging at the common room after rejecting Tony’s ludicrous ideas. Tossing a few popcorn kernels into her mouth, Natasha puts her bare feet up on the coffee table and swipes through the movie queue. Friday night and she’s alone watching movies. Relaxation at its best. Until she gets a text message from Clint.

  
 _I can’t believe you! – CB_

_What? – NR_

_I thought we were bros! –CB_

_We’re not bros, we’ve never been bros. Stop using that. – NR_

_Fine, ‘sisters’. But I’m still mad at you, I can’t believe you went to Stark before me. –CB_

_When did I ever go to Stark? – NR_

_Duh, to see if Maria’s a giant lezbo like you are – CB_

Natasha clutches her phone and blinks. When did he…doesn’t matter.

_I am not a lezbo Barton, and I did not go to Stark. He just wouldn’t mind his own business. How did you find out? – NR_

_Stark came to me for ideas. Now as your sis I am going to help you, even if you didn’t go to me first. – CB_

“Shit,” Natasha mutters. She speed dials Clint and immediately barks into the phone when he answers. “Barton what the hell are you planning?”

“What?” he screams back.

Natasha pulls the phone away from her ear and sets it on speaker instead. Through the distorted phone speakers, Natasha hears club music drumming through and the low sounds of a crowd. “Where are you?”

“Sorry, can’t hear you Tasha,” Clint says loudly.

“Is that Natasha?”

Shit. Natasha’s eyes pop open and she nearly drops her phone. It’s Maria.

“Barton…” Natasha growls. “Why are you with Maria at a club?”

“Got to go Tasha, can’t hear you, just text me!”

Before he hangs up, she distinctly hears the sound of another woman asking to buy a drink for Maria. She furiously taps the screen.

_Barton, what the fuck are you doing?! Are you at a club with Maria? A GAY CLUB?! – NR_

_Best way to see if she’s into the ladies – CB_

Natasha taps her phone against her thigh, the popcorn and movie queue all but forgotten. She lays her phone face down and stares into space. Thirty minutes pass and she picks up her phone again.

_Well, is she? – NR_

Her leg bounces up and down as she waits. Natasha stays up the entire night, checking her phone every few minutes but no other messages come through, she’s even texted and called Clint at least 20 times, but no response. In the morning, Natasha goes to Clint’s floor and knocks loudly.

“Open up Barton.”

The door swings open a few seconds later, Clint staring blearily at her with bloodshot eyes. He’s hungover.

“Shhhh,” he puts his finger up to Natasha’s lips. “Quiet please.”

“I thought you said you didn’t get hungover.” Natasha pushes her way into his room and bangs the door shut. The corner of her mouth twitches at how he jumps in the air and groans painfully. “What the hell happened last night?”

Clint sighs and takes a bottle of cold water from the mini fridge, he gulps down half the bottle before turning to Natasha. “I don’t remember.”

“What do you mean you don’t remember?”

He flushes slightly and picks at the bottom of his shirt. “I wanted to get Hill drunk, so I challenged her shot for shot.”

Natasha closes her eyes and breathes in sharply through her nose. “And?”

“I think she won?” Clint rubs the back of his neck. “I mean, there was a post it note from her when I woke up.”

“So she brought you home?”

“Yea.”

Natasha looks thoughtful for a moment. “Did she take anyone home?”

“I don’t know, probably not if she had to haul me back.”

“Good, get your hungover ass to the kitchen, I’m making pancakes,” Natasha says, she rolls her eyes at Clint’s broad smile.


	4. Bruce Banner

Something’s amiss.

Natasha hovers over the doorway, arms crossed while Tony and Clint stand in front of a laptop muttering under their breaths.

“What are you two up to now?” Natasha says.

They immediately slam the laptop shut and turn around.

“What?” Tony asks, looking everywhere but her face.

“Nothing,” Clint answers, staring straight at her in defiance.

“Spill, now.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Clint do you?”

“Nope, not at all, we should probably.” Clint motions to the door.

Natasha raises an unimpressed eyebrow. The boys immediately gulp and back into the table. “What are you hiding?”

“Okay fine!” Tony throws his hands up in surrender.

“No, Tony,” Clint elbows him in the ribs.

Tony ignores him and opens the laptop, holding it out for Natasha. She takes it and sighs deeply.

“What did you say to Bruce?”

“I just told him he should talk with Maria, she’s been stressed,” Tony says.

“And?”

Clint answers, “And that maybe there’s some things she could get off her chest…”

She puts the laptop down and rewinds the footage, starting from the beginning. It’s one of the ‘zen rooms’ designated for Bruce whenever he wants quite time, apparently he’s invited Maria and he’s making them tea.

She cranks up the volume. No sound.

“They’re not talking,” Natasha notes.

“I know!” Tony points at Bruce’s face on the laptop accusingly. “They’ve just been drinking tea for the past hour. Do you know how boring that is? I could be improving the repulsors right now.”

“So you designated him as her therapist?” Natasha asks, eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

“He’s a doctor,” Tony nods.

“He’s not that kind of doctor,” Natasha rubs at the throbbing pain between her eyes.

“Terrible, such a terrible doctor,” Tony says, ignoring Natasha. “Oh they’re talking!”

All three crowd around the laptop.

“Thank you for the tea Bruce,” Maria says, putting her cup down.

“You’re welcome.” He stands up with her. “If you ever need someone to talk to…”

“Thank you Bruce, I’ll keep that in mind.”

They both leave and the three stare at the video feed.

“That’s it?” Clint says first, shaking his head.

Natasha slams the laptop lid shut and jabs her finger at both of their chests. “Stop helping.”

“But—“ Tony rubs at the sore spot. She has very strong fingers.

“No.”

“But—“ Clint says.

“No.”


	5. Thor

“I have something to tell you but you have to promise me something first,” Jane says barging into the gym.

Natasha kicks the punching bag once, making it stop swinging. She tears off her gloves and nods at Jane to continue.

“You can’t kill Thor.”

“I don’t think I actually can.”

Jane wrings her hands. “Okay, you have to promise not to make his life terrible.”

“Can’t do that.”

“Then I can’t tell you.”

“I’ll find out eventually.”

Jane tilts her head to stare at the ceiling. “Promise to give him a head start?”

“Fine,” Natasha says. She wipes the back of her sweaty neck with a towel.

“Thor overheard Darcy and I talking about your…problem.”

“My problem?”

“Maria Hill problem.”

Natasha’s hand clenches on her water bottle, the plastic creaking. “And?”

“He’s talking to her right now,” Jane says with a sheepish grin.

“He gets a 10 second head start before I shave off every single piece of hair on his body.”

Natasha throws the water bottle into the recycling bin and walks out of the gym, Jane jogging to keep up with her.

“How about 30 seconds?”

“15 seconds.”

“25?”

“20. And I didn’t forget your role in this.” Natasha side eyes her.

Jane flinches and holds her hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry!”

They round the corner and catch the tail end of Thor and Maria’s conversation. Natasha stops Jane and pulls her back, covering Jane’s mouth. She removes her hand once Jane stops struggling, together they listen intently to the conversation.

“What is it you look for in a potential mate Lady Hill?” Thor asks.

“Thor…”

“I apologize if I overstepped my boundaries. I have seen many warriors none so great as you and I am merely curious as to why you confine yourself to be alone.”

“Thank you for your concern Thor, but I don’t need someone else to be happy. And with what we do, I can’t exactly have a normal relationship with a normal person. Finding someone with shared life experiences is a bit difficult.”

“Well that is good news then!”

“What?”

“You have worthy warriors in this very tower who have the same experiences. I heard –“

“Thor there you are!” Jane shouts and stumbles after she’d been shoved by Natasha into the open.

“Jane,” Thor says, his face melting into a huge smile.

“I have something to show you, at the lab,” Jane says, almost stuttering. “Come on!” She takes his hand and drags him away. “Bye Maria!” Jane throws over her shoulder.

On their way to the lab, Jane glances up towards the ceiling and gives Natasha who’s perching up top a thumbs up. Natasha points two fingers to her eyes and one finger back to Jane, ‘keeping my eye on you’ and then points to Thor, she puts a finger to her neck in a slicing motion.

Jane gulps and hurries away.

 


	6. Steve Rogers

Natasha fluffs her hair and straightens out her clothes. Today’s the day. She’s going to ask out Maria Hill. No more little helpers. No more hiding. She’s just going to walk up to Maria and ask her if she’d like to go out sometime. When she’s not busy. Dinner. Tonight maybe? Too soon? How about next week? You’re free, Pepper said so.

She wrings her hands together and walks down the hallway to the elevators and halts. There’s Maria, looking at the numbers on the top of the elevator doors.

Natasha swallows.

She should walk up to her. Right now. Any second now.

One step towards Maria and the elevator dings, Natasha stops.

Steve comes out, all smiles as Maria does the same.

“Maria,” he nods. “So 8 o’clock?”

“Yep 8, don’t be late,” Maria says, walking into the now empty elevator.

“I won’t be,” he says to the closing doors.

Steve runs a hand through his hair and sighs. He turns, sees her and gives her a small wave.

“Natasha,” he greets as he walks past her, still smiling.

There’s a spring in his step, he’s nearly skipping as he hums a tune under his breath.

Natasha turns to the ceiling and glares. “I know you’re up there, if you don’t come down in 5 seconds I’m unloading my glock to the ceiling.”

The air vent swings open and Clint drops down in front of her. “Hey Tasha,” he says.

“What did you do?”

Clint holds his hands up, a placating gesture. “Nothing!”

“Clint…”

“It’s Tony’s idea, all of it.”

“Traitor!” they hear down the hall.

Tony’s eyes widen in horror and he runs off, too bad he has two master assassins right behind him. In less than 5 seconds they shove him into an unoccupied room, Natasha pinning him against a wall.

“Natasha,” Tony wheezes.

“Stark.”

“I swear I didn’t mean it.”

“What did you do?”

“It was Clint’s idea!”

“Was not!”

“You contributed.”

Clint crosses his arms over his chest. “You were the one who convinced Steve to ask her out.”

“I didn’t think he’d actually do it, and it was to test the waters.”

Natasha lets Tony go and backs up; she glares at her two meddling friends and sighs. “Explain, from the beginning.”

“We just wanted to see if Hill was straight,” Clint says with a pout.

“And he suggested Capsicle,” Tony points out.

“Fine, I suggested Rogers, but only cause he didn’t know any of our plans.”

Natasha turns to Tony. “How did you convince him to ask Maria out?”

He rubs the back of his neck. “I maybe sort of said that you said Maria was single and she had shared life experiences.”

“You roped me into this?” Natasha takes a menacing step forward.

He burrows further into the wall. “Only because he asked what you thought! Cap seems to value your opinion on these things.”

“And she said yes?”

“Apparently…” says Clint. “I wasn’t able to eavesdrop on their conversation, Hill found all the bugs and disabled all the cameras and mics.”

Natasha closes her eyes and inhales deeply. “Now we know, so stop trying to help.”

“We’re sorry?” says Tony.

She shakes her head and jabs him in the chest with her finger. “If you interfere with my life again, I’ll make sure Pepper knows. Same goes for you Clint, except it’ll be Phil on your case.”

They both nod solemnly as Natasha glares at them one final time before leaving them to stew in their guilt. She clenches her fists. Well, at least now she knows.


	7. Where she didn’t need help

It’s been a long day. She counts it as a victory in self-control she didn’t bash Steve’s head in with his own shield to damage his pretty face enough to stop the date. But that didn’t mean she didn’t give him a few extra kicks to the ribs, she’s only human after all.

Natasha slinks into her apartment, her head down as she puts her bag onto a hook, she takes out her pistol and aims it at the intruder sitting on her couch.

“Maria?”

“Hey,” says Maria. She drops the book she’d been reading back onto Natasha’s coffee table and stretches out against the back of the sofa. Natasha’s eyes drift down to the stripe of skin revealed when Maria’s shirt rides up. Her eyes are back to Maria’s head before Maria even finishes stretching out the kinks in her shoulder.

“What are you doing here?” Natasha puts the gun on safety and stows it away. “Don’t you have a date?”

Maria walks over to Natasha, gaze unreadable. “I’ve had an interesting week with the Avengers.”

“Oh?” Natasha leans against the wall, picture perfect nonchalance.

“You know anything about that?” Maria asks, hovering right in front of Natasha.

“Nope.”

“Huh…I find that hard to believe.”

“No idea what you’re talking about Hill.”

“So the bad seductress routine was not your idea?”

Natasha tilts her head to the side. “What seductress?”

“Barton’s sudden interest in taking me clubbing?”

“He goes to clubs?”

“Bruce’s therapy sessions?”

“Bruce isn’t that kind of doctor you know.”

“Thor?”

“What about him?”

“And bumbling Steve? I have to admit he’s cute. Large muscles and all that American goodness.”

Natasha’s jaw ticks just once. “Hmm…”

“So I’ll ask again, did you want to ask me something Natasha?”

“No comment.”

Maria scrutinizes her, but when Natasha gives nothing away, Maria sighs dramatically and walks pass Natasha, going out the open door.

Taking a deep breath, Natasha turns to the wall. “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” she says, each word punctuated with a knock of her forehead against the wall.

A cough startles enough to just freeze. She sighs and turns around, ready to face embarrassment head on.

Maria walks right up into her personal space and gently holds Natasha’s face in her hands. She leans in and gives her a kiss. Pulling back, she says, “I’m interested, if you were still wondering.”

“I uh thought you were going out with Steve,” Natasha says, head swimming.

“He’s going with Sharon.”

“Oh… so …you like me,” Natasha states.

“I seem to have a thing for boneheaded Russian assassins.” Maria slides her hand to Natasha’s shoulders and leans back.

“Never meet Barnes then.”

“Next time,” Maria says before closing in, she stops a breath away. “Just ask.”

“Uh huh.” Natasha tip toes the rest of the way and pulls Maria down for a deep kiss.


End file.
